What's the hell, Man?

I quit my job. My PARTIME JOB which is so boring and dull. I thought I'm goin to be free after that, but unfortunately, I was rather busy since then and I can't do what I always wanted!! You know why? I have to go to my 'another house' to be a 'baby sitter'. I don't mind going there baby sitting, but it didn't work out for me to baby sit. I felt like a fool, laying down on the sofa watching them doing their daily routine. So What's the point for me to waste my time there???

Luckily I went to Malacca all by my own on Tuesday. However, I'm not free too, I'm not alone after 2pm. I met my other baby sitters and they insisted to pay whatever I took which made me feel guilty.

I thought by not seeing him, I'll feel better, But each time he sent something to me, I ought to get moody for the whole day and didn't want to be nice to anyone. I also use all the stupid free time thinking so much about me and him. Let go? I don't think so! I don't think I'd let go, NOT even 1% either. I've tried over and over again and what I got was just a 0. I knew that I can't let go so fast! Pretending to be strong, hiding all my sorrows, being rude to him like I'd given up-He once said I'm a pretender! And now,yes I am but pretending that I love him wasn't true at all..I kept thinking that he treated me this way because of some good reasons, but actually what's on his mind, I have no idea at all. I just can't think a single reason to hate him! What's the hell is going on with me?!