us

what have happened to us?
is it because i have another person in my heart which im not sure actually what is my feeling? or is it because you don't love me?

before i judge you.. i judge myself first.
ever since he appeared in my life.. im really not sure about my feeling.. i blame myself for being unfaithful in mind for this...

but...

in these 3 years, not once you held my hand and said you love me. yes you are there to help me for my emotions and shit i created but you have never tell me face to face "i love you". it has always been i tell you that three words and you replied "i love you too". i felt is not from the heart.. you are just trying to brush me off..

each time we quarrel, you will promise me many things but nothing is done.
eg, updating me whenever you outstation.. you didn't, call me once or twice during working hours, you didnt as well..  stop smoking in 3 months time and now is 3 years! you didnt as well.

i tried my best to make my feeling towards him to be just friends. i will see his whatsapp, facebook like everyday and convinced myself you are better with his bad habits. whenever he reply me, i will feel happy for what im not sure! still i will know who i am, i am ppl's gf and i cant go overboard. but what have you done for us? you knew ive not bothered about how rich we can be..

another thing is, i felt you dunno why you need a gf. i have said many times, im always here to share your bad times. i do let u know im down.. but i didnt show temper just because im not happy at work or im tired but once again you did all these to me. it really hurts, maybe because i really care!

talking about buying house and creating a home. yes, we have finally bought a house and now, waiting for the key. but until now you have never told me in a serious manner that you wants to marry me despite me kept asking for your proposal with my onion face! hello! is not that we have bought a house, i confirm need to marry you ok. if you have no intention, how am i to get married to you? i dont think you are not romantic, maybe just not to me..

sometimes you really care of my safety and security, but sometimes you can say things that really hurts like you fetched me  but you end up saying that im a trouble. i rather that you didnt fetch me.

you have never want to speak out for yourselves for your work, dont come and show temper to me, i have given you suggestion but you just not listening. what can i do then? is your choice.

talking about attending wedding of my friends or family, its like asking you to go to hell. last year, for my sis, ypu have a lot of excuses as well though you eventually attended maybe because you are forced to.. and not out of ypu really want to go. this year, for Mickey's wedding, we have agreed to go but at last we are not going. im not sure if ah maw's wedding you will attend or not.. im not going to pester you for an answer anymore, i will asked you for the last time when i want to buy ticket home.



while riding bike just now, many things just come to my mind. why will you only concern of how I feel when im angry? why you will never want to spontaneously care of what I think or how I feel?
in people's eyes it's always me who bully you but who ever saw you bullying me? No one!


knowing that I need to grow up to reduce your stress, I actually stop being to clingy to you, I tried my best not to make a fuss so that if you need to work late or go out station you can go peacefully. but I still don't think you realize this and appreciate me more. that was once, you need be away with me many days, you promise to back early that night but end up you back only very late. but once I get into the car you tell me that you wanna go yum cha with your friend. for that I make a fuss but it was all my fault again, me being childish and can't understand you. I only give a piece of advice on the employment act and you actually raised you voice to me. I knew my temper is not good too but at least I don't simply raise my voice to you. I have changed once I felt I really love you.


I can't believe that I'm hurt to the extend that I actually cried when you called me at work today. Guess whatever shit about me liking others is just wrong feeling. I cried like stupid fool at my desk today, I don't know I care too much about us or I just being fed up and really upset.


I just hope one day you realized how much have I loved you and think about whether you love me or not. if you don't love me, let me go, I don't want to be hurt no more.